Rosie, Problem Child
A follow-up e-mail I just finished composing (um, yes, it is 4 in the morning...) to the clinical nurse specialist and nurse manager of my unit in the aftermath of an excruciating meeting today (I mean yesterday) with them and my preceptor Jessica. (I cried--repeatedly--which irks me no end. I also had a blinding headache by the time I got home.)
Dear Maureen and Linda,
Thank you very much for meeting with me yesterday. I appreciate your frank feedback and hope that I'll be able to justify your faith in my potential as a nurse on Wright 10. At least please know that I'm trying my hardest and care very much about doing the best job I can.
You asked about things that I thought might help me progress and learn. There actually is one thing that I've thought of, and while I'm not sure that it's possible, I thought that I would mention it. It's a little awkward to ask, but I wondered whether I might be assigned to a different preceptor for some or all of the rest of my time on orientation.
I want to be sure to make clear that it isn't that I don't think that Jessica is appropriate, or nice, or caring. She is all of those things. It also isn't that I don't think I have things to learn from her, or that I think her assessment of my strengths and weaknesses is inaccurate. It is just that, for reasons that I don't fully understand (but I suppose have to do with our very different personalities and styles), working with her, I tend to end up with a kind of black cloud over my head. Something about the dynamic between us results in my feeling discouraged, defeated, defensive, misunderstood, and unvalued. I find myself often having to manage my own emotional responses to our interactions rather than being fully present for the content and learning potential of the matters at hand. I also find myself making dumb mistakes under her scrutiny, which of course (understandably) leads her to feel the need to scrutinize my work ever more carefully, and the pattern is self-reinforcing. (Which isn't to say that I don't make dumb mistakes working with other preceptors! I do! I just think my rate is noticeably lower...)
I very much want to avoid any blame of Jessica--I think she does a fine job, and we're probably just mismatched. The last thing I want is to create any ill feelings between us--I'm very grateful for the care she's taken with me, and very much hope that we can continue to work harmoniously together as colleagues. I was thinking that maybe I would tell her that I just wanted to try to start fresh and put the past behind me, which is also absolutely true.
I am happy to continue working with Julie Piccolo, and I have also enjoyed the shifts I've worked with Marcia Moreau and Sue Kennedy. I've never worked with Liz Carrier, but wonder whether that might not be a good match, too. I understand that there are likely both pedagogical and logistical reasons for new nurses to have continuity with one preceptor, and besides, other people might not have availability, so if it isn't possible for me to switch, I'll understand and just make the best of it.
One final, probably unnecessary, thing--I know it was just a kind of example to illustrate a point, but I want to be sure you know that I'm not in the habit of standing around talking with patients for ten minutes at a time (much less forty-five). I may well waste time finishing a conversation after I have completed my tasks in a patient's room, but it's more on the order of 30-60 seconds. Room for improvement, certainly, but I just wanted to be sure you were aware of the magnitude.
Thanks again for meeting with me, and for all your care and encouragement.
Rosie
Dear Maureen and Linda,
Thank you very much for meeting with me yesterday. I appreciate your frank feedback and hope that I'll be able to justify your faith in my potential as a nurse on Wright 10. At least please know that I'm trying my hardest and care very much about doing the best job I can.
You asked about things that I thought might help me progress and learn. There actually is one thing that I've thought of, and while I'm not sure that it's possible, I thought that I would mention it. It's a little awkward to ask, but I wondered whether I might be assigned to a different preceptor for some or all of the rest of my time on orientation.
I want to be sure to make clear that it isn't that I don't think that Jessica is appropriate, or nice, or caring. She is all of those things. It also isn't that I don't think I have things to learn from her, or that I think her assessment of my strengths and weaknesses is inaccurate. It is just that, for reasons that I don't fully understand (but I suppose have to do with our very different personalities and styles), working with her, I tend to end up with a kind of black cloud over my head. Something about the dynamic between us results in my feeling discouraged, defeated, defensive, misunderstood, and unvalued. I find myself often having to manage my own emotional responses to our interactions rather than being fully present for the content and learning potential of the matters at hand. I also find myself making dumb mistakes under her scrutiny, which of course (understandably) leads her to feel the need to scrutinize my work ever more carefully, and the pattern is self-reinforcing. (Which isn't to say that I don't make dumb mistakes working with other preceptors! I do! I just think my rate is noticeably lower...)
I very much want to avoid any blame of Jessica--I think she does a fine job, and we're probably just mismatched. The last thing I want is to create any ill feelings between us--I'm very grateful for the care she's taken with me, and very much hope that we can continue to work harmoniously together as colleagues. I was thinking that maybe I would tell her that I just wanted to try to start fresh and put the past behind me, which is also absolutely true.
I am happy to continue working with Julie Piccolo, and I have also enjoyed the shifts I've worked with Marcia Moreau and Sue Kennedy. I've never worked with Liz Carrier, but wonder whether that might not be a good match, too. I understand that there are likely both pedagogical and logistical reasons for new nurses to have continuity with one preceptor, and besides, other people might not have availability, so if it isn't possible for me to switch, I'll understand and just make the best of it.
One final, probably unnecessary, thing--I know it was just a kind of example to illustrate a point, but I want to be sure you know that I'm not in the habit of standing around talking with patients for ten minutes at a time (much less forty-five). I may well waste time finishing a conversation after I have completed my tasks in a patient's room, but it's more on the order of 30-60 seconds. Room for improvement, certainly, but I just wanted to be sure you were aware of the magnitude.
Thanks again for meeting with me, and for all your care and encouragement.
Rosie
posted by Rosie Bonner at 4:20 AM
2 Comments:
Ick, who called this meeting (and why?). So so sorry that you have to deal with this at all -- can't they see the amazing asset they have in you and just let you move along at your own (very accelerated, I might add) pace?
YUCK.
Lots of love from WV,
aka Marina
Well, crap yuck ick.
So sorry you are carrying this load right now.
I hope that you're able to work things out so that you get a new preceptor, and if you aren't able to get a new one, I hope that you will be able find some way of mentally starting fresh. Maybe the act of having written this email will give you that space.
I've never worked in a medical setting before but based on my extensive research (watching ER, Grey's Anatomy, St. Elsewhere, and Chicago Hope; reading your blog), the culture seems extraordinarily hard on people just entering the field. Whether it is deliberate or not, they seem to give the Alpha Delts a run for their money in the hazing department. Seems like a crappy way to go about training people.
Anyway. This is what I know: You're an extraordinary person with a good brain and a golden heart. Things will work out.
Love you,
Lucine
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